Truth: Feeling hurt, confused, or betrayed after someone you trust violates that trust is a normal response. Trauma doesn’t have to be a "big" event to have a lasting impact. Your emotional reactions are valid, and it’s important to trust your feelings. What you’re experiencing is real and not an overreaction.

Truth: Betrayal trauma is a well-recognized psychological concept, not a trend. It has been studied in trauma research for many years. The emotional and psychological damage caused by someone you trust deeply violating that trust can be long-lasting. Recognizing and addressing betrayal trauma is important for emotional healing, just like any other form of trauma.

Truth: Your feelings are valid, regardless of what others believe. If pornography is making you feel hurt, betrayed, or uncomfortable, that’s a legitimate emotional response. Everyone has different boundaries, and it's important to honor your own. It’s okay to express your feelings and set boundaries, even if others don’t agree with you.

Truth: You are not alone. Although this is probably not something commonly talked about in your friend group or your family, MANY people have gone through betrayal trauma, and the feelings you’re experiencing are valid and shared by others in similar situations. Yes, even if you find yourself going through the unspeakable situation where your husband is facing legal consequences for his unwanted sexual behaviors. You are not the only one and you are not alone.

The shame and isolation you feel are part of the trauma, but they don’t define you. Shame thrives in silence, but it’s not your shame to carry.

Betrayal trauma is not a reflection of your worth or value—it reflects the actions and choices of someone else.

Speaking about it, even in small, safe ways, can start to break the power shame has over you.

Truth: Sex or physical intimacy doesn’t always address the underlying emotional or behavioral issues. Porn use or masturbation may be about more than physical needs—they could be tied to emotional issues, addiction, or lack of communication in the relationship. Trying to "fix" the situation with more sex is unlikely to solve the deeper issues, and it may also put unnecessary pressure on you.

Truth: This suggests that healing and resolution are entirely dependent on your husband’s behavior. It places the responsibility for emotional recovery solely on him and assumes that his improvement will automatically fix everything. Healing from betrayal trauma involves addressing your own emotional well-being, regardless of his actions. While it's understandable to hope for his change, it overlooks the reality that the emotional toll of betrayal trauma often affects the person who has been betrayed as much as, or more than, the person who caused the harm.

Truth: Addiction often creates emotional disconnection in relationships, making it hard for the addicted person to engage in intimate, vulnerable experiences like sex. Frequent consumption of pornography can lead to a diminished interest in real-life sexual intimacy. This occurs because the brain becomes conditioned to artificial stimuli, making real-world experiences seem less exciting. Engaging in intimacy requires vulnerability and emotional presence, which can feel overwhelming for someone dealing with addiction or the shame associated with it.

Truth: You can’t control the actions of others through your appearance or behaviors. Betrayal is about someone else’s choices and actions. While self-care is important, your appearance is not the cause of betrayal, nor can it prevent it. Trust, respect, and communication are the foundations for preventing future betrayals in a relationship.

Truth: Forgiveness is a personal choice and part of healing, but it’s not a quick fix. Trauma isn’t something you can simply forget. It takes time to process the pain, understand the impact, and heal. Healing involves addressing the trauma rather than ignoring it or expecting yourself to just forgive and move on right away.

Truth: Porn use can feel like a betrayal if it goes against your values, causes emotional harm, or is used in a way that violates trust in the relationship. Your feelings are legitimate, and just because it’s "only" porn doesn’t mean it isn’t hurtful. What matters is how it impacts you and your relationship. Trauma is personal, and your response to betrayal is valid.